


The Mayhem Critic

by James_Stryker



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Mortal Kombat - All Media Types, RoboCop - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Parody, movie reviews
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21750364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/James_Stryker/pseuds/James_Stryker
Summary: He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.





	The Mayhem Critic

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Strkyer bringing you something new for you to enjoy. So, I am a huge movie buff and I've decided to make a parody of the Nostalgia Critic and TheUnusualSuspect, my favorite reviewers. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Sean a.k.a The Mayhem Critic, the reviewer who rips movies a new one and he will be talking about old and new movies and also editorials and talk about TV shows, old and new as well. There will also be countdowns as well. P.S. I do not own anything involved in these reviews, comparisons or countdowns. They belong to their respective creators. But I own the movies that are being reviewed on DVD. Today, for the Critic's first review, he tackles the 1987 science thriller RoboCop. Does it still hold up in thirty years? We'll find out today.
> 
> P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. RoboCop is owned by Orion Pictures and MGM Entertainment.

The Mayhem Critic

Episode 1: RoboCop

In a suburban house in the Ohio area, a young man at the age of 25 enters his kitchen and fixes himself a cup of coffee from his Keurig 2.0 coffee machine while he pours some cat kibble in his cat's dish. The young man enters his office and sits down in front of his desk, his office filled with movie posters and shelves filled with a collection of DVDs with another shelf that has a collection of action figures on it. The young African American male dons a blue jean denim shirt, a Robin t-shirt and glasses as he takes a sip of his coffee before speaking.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one and welcome to our first ever episode. And look, I know how this looks, cyborgs aren't anything new. In 1984, one of the most famous science fiction movies of all time hit our screens and it launched the careers of the human catchprase." Sean said.

(A clip from Batman & Robin plays)

Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Alright, everyone! Chill.

(Sean pushes the clip away)

"Stop it." Sean said. "And the man who made blue pussy popular. Of course, I'm talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Cameron. Everybody remembers The Terminator."

(Clips from The Terminator start playing)

Sean: (Narration) It's science fiction with a little film noir for good measure. It spawned four sequels, and blatant rip-offs since it's release.

"But we're not going to talk about The Terminator. Today, I am going to be talking about RoboCop." Sean said as the poster for the 2014 version of RoboCop pops up next to him as he turns around and notices it. "Uh, not that one. The original."

(The poster for the 1987 version of RoboCop pops up next to Sean as he turns around and smiles in approval.)

"Much better." Sean said, smiling.

(The movie title screen appears as the late Basil Poledouris' RoboCop theme starts playing. Sean narrates while clips of the film start playing)

Sean: (Narrating) Released on July 17th, 1987 and distributed by Orion Pictures, RoboCop took a different approach to the idea of The Terminator and as with The Terminator not many people have heard of RoboCop. Hell, when I was five I have heard of RoboCop and I watched it with my mom. Alright, it was the edited for television version but still I've heard of it before The Terminator. I lied, I've heard of Terminator 2: Judgment Day while I was little. The film was written by Edward Neumier and Michael Miner and it was directed by Paul Verhoeven. If you don't know who Paul Verhoeven is, he's a Dutch director who's films are best known for having explicit graphic violence and sexual content. Films like Spetters, The 4th Man, Flesh + Blood, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Starship Troopers and Hollow Man.

(The poster for Showgirls slides in next to Sean as he pushes it out of the way)

"I'm not ready to talk about the film. We'll talk about it later." Sean said. "But the question still remains, does RoboCop still hold up for thirty years? We'll find out. Let's dive right into RoboCop. He's the future of law enforcement.

Plot:

Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with….

(The Media Break theme plays)

Announcer: This is MediaBreak. You give us three minutes and we'll give you the world.

Sean: (Narrating) It's starts out with MediaBreak, hosted by Casey Wong played by the late Mario Machado and Jesse Perkins played by Leeza Gibbons. And now we get Dick Jones, played by Ronny Cox from Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Cop II.

Dick Jones (Played by Ronny Cox): Every policeman knows when he joins the force that there are certain inherent risks that come with the territory. Ask any cop, he'll tell you. If you can't stand the heat, you better stay out of the kitchen.

Sean: (Narrating) And we're also introduced to the unofficial crime boss of Old Detroit, Clarence Boddicker played by Kurtwood Smith.

"Who?" The cameraman named Brian said in the background as Sean makes a look.

"Alright, if you don't know who Kurtwood Smith, then you're a dumbass." Sean said, referencing the character Red Foreman from That 70's Show. "He's the dad from That 70's Show. And we see what he's been doing on his spare time, killing cops."

Slimey Lawyer (Played by Gregory Pudevigne): Attempted murder? It's not like he killed someone.

Sergeant Warren Reed (Played by the late character actor Rober DoQui): (Sgt. Reed grabs the lawyer by his coat) Listen, pal! Your client's a crumbag! You're a crumbag! And crumbags see the judge on Monday morning!

"Oops! I've must've been playing the edited for television version. Hold on, let me play the unedited version." Sean said, typing away on his laptop after realizing the bad dubbing of the edited word for "Scumbag".

Sgt. Reed: Listen, pal! Your client's a scumbag! You're a scumbag! And scumbags see the judge on Monday morning!

Officer Alex J. Murphy (Played by Peter Weller): Hi. Uh, Murphy, transferring in from Metro South.

Sean: (Narrating) We then get to meet Alex Murphy, played by Peter Weller, who for all of you Batman fanboys out there, he played the voice of Batman/Bruce Wayne on Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Parts 1 & 2\. And he was in the movie Leviathan.

Manson (Played by Edward Edwards): Murphy, huh?

Murphy: Yeah, that's me.

Manson: (Shakes Murphy's hand) Manson.

Sean: (Narrating) Turns out tensions are running pretty high behind the scenes all because of OCP and the working conditions are pretty shitty.

Kaplan (Played by Del Zamora): I'll tell you what we should do, we should strike. Fuck 'em!

(Sgt. Reed enters the locker room as the officers kept quiet.)

Sean: (V/O) Real subtle, stupid.

Sgt. Reed: And I don't want to hear anymore talk about strike. We're not plumbers. We're police officers. And police officers don't strike.

Sean: (Narrating) And in the waiting room, a small fight breaks out.

(Officer Anne Lewis punches a handcuffed suspect in the face three times, knocking him out.)

Sgt. Reed: Lewis. Come here when you're finished fucking around with your suspect.

Sean: (Narrating) And here we meet Officer Anne Lewis, played by Nancy Allen from three Brian DePalma films like Carrie, Blow Out and Dressed to Kill. And the 1989 movie Limit Up. And no, she's not the love interest for the film. Murphy has a wife and son.

Officer Anne Lewis (Played by Nancy Allen): I'd better drive until you know your way around.

Murphy: (Enters the driver's side of the police cruiser) I usually drive when I'm breaking in a new partner.

"Apparently, Murphy doesn't care about getting lost at the same time too." Sean said before taking a sip of his coffee.

Sean: (Narrating) In the OCP boardroom, Dick Jones demonstrates something on how to clean up the streets of Detroit and we meet The Old Man, played by the late Dan O'Herlihy.

The Old Man (Played by the late Dan O'Herlihy): Old Detroit has a cancer, the cancer is crime.

Sean: (V/O) Sounds like something that Cobra would say.

Dick Jones: It gives me pleasure to introduce you to the future of law enforcement.

(Jones opens the doors, revealing the ED-209 enforcement droid)

Dick Jones: ED-209.

(ED-209 starts up as the enforcement droid enters the boardroom while the OCP board members move back)

"Okay, screw CGI. But the stop motion animation for ED-209 looks amazing. It makes robots look better. Anyway, time for a demo. We need a volunteer. Uh, any volunteers? Who's gonna be the poor son of a bitch helping us with the demonstration? How about NBC executive Stu Chermack from Seinfeld." Sean asked as a still image of Kinney shows up on screen with the sound of the bell dinging. "Winner, winner! Chicken dinner!"

Sean: (V/O) If you're wondering who I know who Kinney's portrayer is, that's Kevin Page from Seinfeld.

(Kinney, played by Kevin Page (credited as Ken Page) points the gun at ED-209)

ED-209: Please put down your weapon. You now have thirty seconds to comply.

"Hey, I think this demonstration is going to be just…." Sean said until ED-209 malfunctions and starts counting down from five seconds while Kinney tries to move out of the way and hide for cover. "Wait, what? Huh? What the? Why is it?"

ED-209: I am now authorized to use physical force.

(ED-209 fires at Kinney and gruesomely kills him)

"HOLY SHIT!" Sean watches the scene in horror as ED-209 continues to mow Kinney down.

Jacksepticeye: (V/O from Whack Your Boss) Geez, dude. Relax! I think he's dead! Dude, stop!

(One of the OCP scientists pull the plug on ED-209, while The Old Man looks on, much to his disappointment)

Bob Morton (Played by the late Miguel Ferrer): Somebody want to call a goddamn paramedic.

Sean: (V/O) A paramedic? Call a hearse because this motherfucker is stone cold dead! I know that Paul Verhoeven could go crazy with excessive violence in his films, but goddamn!

The Old Man: Dick, I am very disappointed with you.

Dick Jones: I'm sure it's only a glitch. A temporary setback.

"A glitch? A temporary setback?" Sean asked. "Bitch! You call this a glitch?!"

The Old Man: You call this a glitch?!

"Huh?" Sean asked after saying The Old Man's line as his eyes widened in surprise. "How did I know that he was going to say that?"

Sean: (Narration) But this gives Bob Morton, played by the late Miguel Ferrer, the opportunity to introduce his own experimental cyborg design.

Bob Morton: Perhaps you're aware of the RoboCop program developed by myself at security concepts as a contingency against just this sort of thing.

The Old Man: Tell me about your plan, Mr. Morton.

Bob Morton: I'm confident that we can go to prototype within 90 days.

The Old Man: Good, very good.

Donald Johnson (Played by Felton Perry) You better watch your back, Bob. Jones is gonna come looking for you.

Bob Morton: (Scoffs) Fuck Jones. He fumbled the ball and I was there to pick it up.

Donald Johnson: When do we start?

Bob Morton: As soon as some poor schmuck volunteers.

Sean: (V/O) Volunteer, huh? Meanwhile, Murphy and Lewis chase down a gang that went on a full-scale bank heist, and the gang is led by none other than Clarence Boddicker.

Clarence Boddicker (Played by Kurtwood Smith): (He sees that the money is burnt) I don't believe it! You burnt! You burnt the fucking money!

Bobby (Played by stuntman/actor Freddie Hice): I had to blow the door. What do you want?

Clarence Boddicker: (Throws the burnt money at Bobby) It's as good as marked, you asshole! You stupid, stupid asshole!

(A clip from That 70's Show plays)

Red Foreman: Ah! There's the dumbass!

Emil Antonowski (Played by Paul McCrane): Clarence!

Clarence Boddicker: What?! What do you want?!

Emil: We got a cop on our tail.

Sean: (Narration) We then get a pretty normal 80s shootout where no one can hit anything, not even the broad side of the mountain. One of the gang members named Bobby, played by Freddie Hice, gets hit in the leg. So, Clarence decides to use some bigger firepower.

Clarence Boddicker: Can you fly, Bobby?

Bobby: Clarence, no!

(They throw Bobby out of the back of the van as R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly starts playing and ends right after Bobby lands on the windshield of Murphy and Lewis' police cruiser.)

"Sorry, I had to do it." Sean laughs.

Sean: (Narration) Murphy and Lewis follow Boddicker and his gang to their hideout at an abandoned steel mill. Backup is unavailable at this time, so they've decided to go in on their own.

"Well, somebody's been watching too much cop shows." Sean rolled his eyes.

Sean: (Narration) Lewis tries to arrest one of the gang members but gets punched out by him and thrown off of a second story railing while Murphy tries to arrest one of the goons.

(Murphy shoots Dougy, played by Neil Summers, and points his gun at Emil.)

Murphy: Go ahead and do it. Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

Sean: (Narration) Until Murphy gets caught by Boddicker and his gang. Boy, he has an ethnically diverse gang. He has two white guys, an Asian and a black guy. Got to give Clarence some credit. In his gang, there's Emil Antonowski, played by Paul McCrane from Fame and ER, Leon Nash played by Ray Wise from Batman: The Killing Joke, Twin Peaks and Reaper, Joe Cox played by Jesse D. Goins from Scandal and Patriot Games and Steve Minh played by Calvin Jung from Lethal Weapon 4 and you'll probably remember him from a certain commercial from the 1970s.

(A clip from the Calgon commercial starts playing)

Customer: How do you get shirts so clean, Mr. Lee?

Mr. Lee (Played by Calvin Jung): Ancient Chinese secret.

"Uh, does Mrs. Lee know what her husband does in his spare time?" Sean asked, raising his eyebrow.

Emil: (Points his shotgun at Murphy) Your ass is mine!

Clarence Boddicker: (Enters) No. Not yet, it ain't. You a good cop, hotshot. (Hits Murphy in the back of the leg with his pump shotgun) Where's your partner? Where's your partner? (Hits Murphy again). I bet that really pisses you off. You probably don't think that I'm a pretty nice guy.

Murphy: Buddy, I think you're slime.

"Shh. Murphy, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up. He's going to kill you." Sean said.

Clarence Boddicker: See, I got this problem. Cops don't like me, so I don't like cops. (Aims his shotgun at Murphy's hand and shoots it off)

(His gang laughs while Murphy gasps in horror)

Clarence Boddicker: Well give the man a hand!

Sean starts clapping his hands as the audience boos at him. "What? What? He said to give him a hand. Oh, wait. Let me lend him a hand." Sean throws a fake hand out and starts laughing. "Oh, man! I am killing!"

Sean: (Narration). Plus, I just love Murphy's reaction to getting his hand blown apart by Clarence. He just gasps in horror. At least Luke Skywalker had a better reaction to losing his hand.

(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back plays, showing Darth Vader cutting off Luke's hand with his lightsaber and Luke screams.)

Sean: (V/O) See? And speaking of killing, Clarence's gang starts blasting away at Murphy.

(Murphy screams while getting violently gunned down by Clarence's men while Lewis looks on in shock)

Sean: (V/O) Damn! This guy's gangsta. He just got shredded by a bunch of shotgun shells and he's still standing. To quote Negan from The Walking Dead, "Taking it like a champ!". Until Clarence puts a bullet in his head right before Murphy tells him to suck his nuts.

"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed with his eyes widened in shock. "Imagine if the liquor store gunman from Regarding Henry shot Harrison Ford in the head with that Desert Eagle. Then it would be a pretty short movie.

Sean: (Narration) Lewis pretty much finds Murphy's mangled corpse and a medical emergency unit tries to revive him and we pretty much get some flashbacks in his life.

Jimmy Murphy (Played by Jason Levine): (After watching TJ Lazer and sees his impressive way after firing his laser) Can you do that, dad?

Ellen Murphy (Played by Angie Bolling): I really have to tell you something.

Sean: (Narration) They eventually give up by trying to restart his heart with electric shocks and adrenaline.

Doctor: (V/O) Alright, that's all we can do.

"Uh, I have a quick question. How the hell were they able to use Murphy's brain after taking a bullet to the head? They never explained that." Sean said as he picks up a Desert Eagle from off of his desk. "As most of you probably know, the Desert Eagle is a standardized .50 caliber round. That going through the human head would send most of it from the other side. See? Watch." Sean fires his gun off-screen until the classic head explosion scene from Scanners plays, showing the man's head exploding. "Hoooooooooly shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt!"

Sean: (V/O) So after Murphy, well, uh, "dies", we're treated to the birth of RoboCop as we see what the world looks like with his new eyes.

Bob Morton: We get the best of both worlds. The fastest reflex in modern technology has to offer on-board computer assistant memory and a lifetime of on the street law enforcement programming it is my great pleasure to present to you…RoboCop.

(OCP executives applaud after Morton reveals RoboCop)

Bob Morton: Come on. Come on. It's for you.

Donald Johnson: (Applauds) Go Robo.

Sean: (Narration) We then cut to the precinct, where it's a slow night. And OCP decides to move RoboCop into their precinct.

Sgt. Reed: This is bullshit! I take my orders from…..

(Sgt. Reed, the prisoner and other officers see RoboCop enter the building)

Prisoner: What is this shit?

"Well, we're about to find out in part two of my RoboCop review. And now for our commercial break." Sean said, picking up the remote and changing it to a commercial as the Little Baby's Ice Cream commercial starts playing until Sean screams in horror and turns off the television.

Sean: (Narrating) The rest of the police officers decided to be nosy and check out what's going on and we see RoboCop. And now it's pretty much a whole bunch of technical exposition that Dr. Sigourney Gaines from I Am Frankie would probably explain to you, especially Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then, we get his prime directives.

Bob Morton: What are you prime directives?

RoboCop: Serve the public trust. Protect the innocent. Uphold the law.

Sean: (Narration) After a protocol search, he finds a directive that he can't access.

"And then we get to one of the most awesome parts about RoboCop." Sean said with a grin as it cuts to the shooting range scene.

Starkweather (Played by Tyrees Allen, credited as Tyress Allen): That fucking gun!

(RoboCop fires at the targets with his Auto-9 pistol, with the other officers, Johnson, Morton and Lewis watch on in amazement.)

Manson: This guy is really good.

Ramirez (Played by Yolonda Adams): He's not a guy, he's a machine.

Sean: (Narration) Then Lewis realizes something when she sees the way RoboCop handles his gun after using it.

"And what we have that is about to come up next is the most awesome and memorable sequence in movie history where we see RoboCop in action for the first time. I ask you now to sit back and behold the awesome power that is Basil Poledouris!" Sean exclaimed as it cuts to RoboCop's first time on duty and the Epicness Meter showing up on the screen showing 5 Auto-9 popping up every time when the RoboCop theme starts.

Sean: (V/O) Holy cow. That is the most awesome theme ever! Why couldn't the Nostalgia Critic add that them to his top 11 most awesome movie themes. He added Conan the Barbarian and Basil Poledouris composed the music for the movie. Anyway, back to RoboCop on duty as we see him foil a robbery at a convenient store.

(RoboCop enters the convenient store as the Sterling Mark 6-wielding madman turns around and sees him.

Hophead (Played by Mike Moroff): Why me.

RoboCop: Drop the gun. You are under arrest.

Hophead: (Shouting while shooting at RoboCop) Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me!

"Son of a bitch! Hold on, let me just do something real quick. I should've noticed the bad dubbing from the edited for television version. Shit!" Sean rolled his eyes as he removes the edited version of RoboCop out from his VHS player, then switches to his Blu-Ray player to watch the unedited version of the scene.

Hophead: Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!

"Uh, no. I would rather fuck Kristen Scott and Kimmy Granger in a threesome." Sean said, with one hand pointing to a still photo of Kristen Scott in the opening to Girlsway's The Faces of Alice and the other hand pointing to a photo of Kimmy Granger as a smile on his face appears.

(RoboCop bends the nose of Hophead's gun. Hophead tries to run away but RoboCop tosses him into a freezer. RoboCop turns to the grocery couple)

RoboCop: Thank you for your co-operation. Good night.

(The next scene cuts to two men trying to rape a woman, played by actress/stuntwoman Donna Keegan)

RoboCop: Let the woman go. You are under arrest.

Creep's Buddy: Shit!

(RoboCop draws his gun while the creep, played by William Shockley, credited as Bill Shockley holds the woman at knifepoint. RoboCop aims his gun without hurting the woman)

Creep (Played by William Shockley) I'm gonna cut this bitch!

(RoboCop shoots through the woman's skirt, hitting the Creep's crotch, who then crumples to the ground screaming in pain and holding his bleeding groin)

Creep: Oooow! Ooow-how-ha-how! Ahhhh!

"Where the hell was RoboCop at when Nick St. Clair tried to rape Cheryl Blossom on that episode of Riverdale?! Robo could've barged in and shot Nicky in the nuts. RoboCop in Riverdale. Make it happen!" Sean said, pointing to the camera.

Sean: (Narration) We then cut to City Hall where RoboCop saves the mayor, who was being held hostage by a deranged ex civil-servant who was disappointed that he didn't get elected.

Ron Miller (Played by Mark Carlton): (Holds the mayor at gunpoint) Kiss the mayor's ass goodbye!

(RoboCop punches through the wall and grabs Miller)

Scorpion: Get over here!

(RoboCop punches the ex civil-servant out the window)

Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile with Bob, who's now vice president at OCP, we're greeted with very pleasant toilet banter and bitching about Dick Jones, until they realizes that Jones was sitting in one of the stalls listening in. Boy, these guys are really scared of Ronny Cox. How scary is that guy?

"Come on! You can't be that scared of a 48-year-old man. Ronny Cox is harmless like a baby bear." Sean said as a photo of Ronny Cox as Dr. John Gideon from St. Elsewhere pops up next to him. "I'm sure he's going to congratulate…."

Dick Jones: Congratulations, Bob.

Bob Morton: Thanks.

Sean: (V/O) Hey, he did. I wonder what he's going to say next.

Dick Jones: I remember when I was a young executive for this company. I used to call the Old Man funny names: Iron Butt, Boner… once I even called him…

Sean: (V/O) Airhead?

Dick Jones: Asshole.

Sean: (V/O) Awww. And then we see Dick's true colors.

Dick Jones: I always knew where the line was drawn, and you just stepped over it, buddy-boy. You've insulted me and you've insulted this company with that bastard creation of yours.

"You're the one to talk, Dickhead. Your fucked up cyborg was not working all because of a "glitch". You're just jealous!" Sean exclaimed.

Dick Jones: Pretty simple math, huh, Bob? You just, uh…

"Uh, Dick. If you're in love with Bob, just tell him by making a move on…." Sean said until Dick grabs Morton's hair.

Dick Jones: …fucked with the wrong guy.

Bob Morton: (Removes Jones' hand from his hair) You're out of your fucking mind.

Dick Jones: You'd better pray that that unholy monster of yours doesn't screw up.

(A clip from Total Recall, the 1990 version plays)

Vilos Cohaagen (Played by Ronny Cox): Or otherwise I'll erase your ass.

The scene goes back to Sean, who is hiding underneath his desk and peeks up, only to see his eyes. "I'm afraid you now, Ronny Cox! You're sick, Ronny Cox! You're sick!" He screamed before showing the photo of Ronny Cox from before, this time with devil horns and a thin mustache added with the theme song Ave Satani from The Omen playing in the background.

Sean: (Narration) At the precinct, RoboCop starts having flashbacks and having a nightmare about Clarence and his men killing him before he became RoboCop.

(The nightmare ends with a shot of Clarence delivering the final blow)

Sean: (Narration) Robo leaves and the idiot scientists are surprised that a robot with a human mind starts walking on his own. However, he doesn't have enough of his memory back to recognize Lewis when she's right in front of him but she recognizes him, putting two and two together.

Lewis: Murphy, it's you. You really don't remember me, do you?

RoboCop: Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there's a crime happening.

Roosevelt (Played by Stephen Berrier): This cop saw fit to question him.

Lewis: I asked him his name. He didn't know.

Bob Morton: He doesn't have a name. He's got a program. He's product. Is that clear?

Lewis: I fucked up.

Sgt. Reed: Forget it, kid. This guy's a serious asshole.

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Sean nodded.

Sean: (Narration) We then cut to one of Clarence's goons, Emil, who's robbing a gas station.

Emil: Don't do nothing stupid, man. I'm a good shot. I can hit you in the eye from here.

The scene then cuts to Sean raising his eyebrow and scoffed at Emil. "Really? You can hit him in the eye from where you're standing? Dude, you're holding an Ingram Mac-10 fitted with a recoil compensator and a modified folding stock." He says then picks up his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol from off of his table. "Meet Frankie, my gun. I can hit somebody in the head from where I'm sitting." He says, firing his pistol, which cuts to the scene from the 1991 movie Regarding Henry where Henry gets shot in the head.

Henry Turner (Played by Harrison Ford): (After Sean shoots off-screen, hitting the character in the head) All right…wait a minute…wi…will you just wait a minute.

(Henry walks out of the store and collapses to the ground)

"That was my lawyer. Eh, never liked him anyway. He was an asshole." Sean said, sitting his gun down on his desk.

RoboCop: (Points his gun at Emil) Drop it! Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

Emil: (Realizes who he is) I know you. You're dead. We killed you!

Sean: (V/O) Oh, yeah. Let's shoot around gasoline. Have I seen this guy on Tru TV's World's Dumbest Outlaws?

(RoboCop shoots at Emil's bike, disabling it, causing Emil to crash in to a car, sending him flying with the Goofy yell playing through it.)

RoboCop: (Grabs Emil) Who are you?

Sean: (Narration) After arresting Emil, RoboCop goes to find out who he is.

Cecil the Clerk (Played by Laird Stuart): This is a restricted area.

(Cuts to a clip of The Terminator, showing the Terminator's six possible responses: Yes/No, Or What?, Go Away, Please Come Back Later, Fuck You, Asshole and Fuck You)

(The clip ends cutting back to RoboCop bringing out his neural spike)

Terminator: (V/O) Fuck you, asshole.

Sean: (Narration) RoboCop connects to the police database, and looks up Emil and some possible connections to him, revealing some known associates Leon, Joe, Minh and the derange MoFo Clarence Boddicker and after some searching he finds out that he's legally dead. RoboCop goes back to his former home to try to jog his memory.

(RoboCop enters his former home and remembers his past life as Alex Murphy.)

"And now he's mad as hell and he wants revenge on the people who killed him. Revenge from beyond the grave. Not that many people get that chance. Except for Patrick Swayze in Ghost."

RoboCop: Where is Clarence Boddicker?

(Leon pulls his gun out but RoboCop knocks it out of his hand sending it flying until a guest catches it and continues to dance)

Leon: (Laughs) Okay. (Tries to kick RoboCop in the groin, but hurts himself in the process and screams in pain)

(We then cut to a cameo of Paul Verhoeven as the Dancing Man)

"And yes, that is director Paul Verhoeven in a small cameo. He's available to dance in wedding, birthdays and Bar Mitzvahs…weddings and Bar Mitzvahs." Sean said.

RoboCop: Let's talk.

Leon: (After RoboCop grabs his hair and pulls him away) AHHHHHHHHHH!

(The next scene cuts to Bob Morton at his house sniffing cocaine with two beautiful women, played by Diane Robin and Adrianne Sachs)

Sean: (Narration) We then cut to yuppies and what they do in their spare time, coke and each other.

(A clip from the Chappelle's Show Rick James episode plays)

Rick James: Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

"Shut up." Sean said before turning back to the review.

Sean: (Narration) But Bob's coke-fueled threesome gets interrupted when somebody decides to cockblock him.

(Clarence Boddicker enters Bob's house and points the gun at him)

Clarence Boddicker: Bitches, leave!

"Wow, what a real gentleman. Maybe he doesn't respect women or he's living the thug life!" Sean said before cutting to the cutaway gag.

(Cut to the cutaway gag)

Clarence Boddicker: Bitches, leave!

(It cuts to a photo of Kurtwood Smith as Red Foreman with glasses, gold chains and a joint in his mouth while Dr. Dre's The Next Episode starts playing.)

"He knows how to keep bitches in line." Sean said, nodding his head.

Bob Morton: If you think you're gonna get away with this you got….

(Clarence shoots Bob in the leg)

Bob Morton: (Yells and falls to the floor) God damn it!

(Clarence shoots Bob three more times in the legs while Bob screams in pain)

Bob: Stop! I'll give you anything you want! Just please, please don't kill me. All right?

Sean makes a confused look after watching that scene. "Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. Hold on. I don't know how much coke you need to effect on you but why did that guy puss out in the last minute?" Sean asked. "Remember on Scarface when Sosa's men were gunning Tony Montana down. It didn't even phase him. But when Clarence Boddicker shoots George Clooney's cousin in the legs, he acts like a pussy. Dude, you were Shan Yu on Disney's Mulan, you were Deathstroke on Teen Titans: The Judas Contract, both of those animated villains were armed with swords, don't be afraid to cut that psychotic bitch!" Sean yelled.

Sean: (V/O) Boy, if Clarence Boddicker was on The Wolf of Wall Street and shot Jordan Belfort in the ass, it wouldn't take effect on him because he'll have all kinds of drugs in his system. Enough of me bitching, we find out who Clarence's boss is and it is revealed to be….

(Dramatic Sound Effect plays, Dun Dun Duuuun!)

Sean: (V/O) Yes. Dick Jones hired Clarence Boddicker to kill Bob Morton and he gives him a little message before he dies.

Dick Jones: Pathetic. You don't feel so cocky now, do ya, Bob?

Bob Morton: Whatever he's paying you, I'll double it right now.

Sean: (V/O) A fine time to be begging for your life.

(Clarence pulls out a grenade with a pin in it, pulling the pin out with his tongue, setting the timer)

Dick Jones: I'm cashing you out, Bob.

(Morton fails to get a firm grip on the rolling grenade and we see Jones' smiling face just before the house explodes)

"Damn! Bob was hoping to get blown by two hot babes. I didn't expect him to get blown by a grenade." Sean said doing his imitation of the Cinema Snob before cutting to the next scene.

Sean: (Narration) The next day, at a full-fledged cocaine factory, Boddicker has a meeting with Sal, a producer of cocaine in Old Detroit. He's played by Lee de Broux.

"Who you might recognize him from….where the hell is he from?" Sean asked as a poster of the movie Hangfire pops up. "Ok. Anything else?" He asked until a clip from the 1996 movie Skyscraper plays, showing the late Anna Nicole Smith in a steamy shower scene, showing her nude. Then it cuts to Sean, his eyes widened with a big smile on his face. "Okay, I need to review this movie!"

Sal (Played by Lee de Broux): I set the prices, hear?

Clarence Boddicker: Listen, pal. Maybe you haven't heard…

Sean: (V/O) That you keep calling your son a dumbass?

Clarence Boddicker: I'm the guy in Old Detroit. You want space in my marketplace, you're gonna have to give me a volume discount. Joe, show the man what we brought him for Christmas.

Sean: (V/O) And his Christmas gift is a bunch of drug money. Hope that Sal takes it.

Sal: You make a lot of my friends nervous. A lot of people would love to see a guy like me put a guy like you out of business.

"You're not the only one." Sean scoffed.

Clarence Boddicker: I got the muscle to shove enough of this factory so far up your stupid wop ass that you'll shit snow for a year.

(Everybody pull their guns out)

Clarence Boddicker: Ooh guns, guns, guns!

"Uh, I think the threat that Clarence was going to say to Sal was much different." Sean said before cutting back to the scene, tweaking it up a bit.

Red Foreman: (V/O. His line replacing Clarence's) I wish I had 2,000 feet so I can put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Sean: (Narration) But their deal is put on hold when someone crashes the party.

"Okay, we have RoboCop versus Red Foreman and his boys. They're armed with shotguns and machine guns. We can go for arrest mode. Or let this epic scene play out." Sean said.

RoboCop: Come quietly or there will be trouble.

Steve Minh: Oh, (cocks shotgun) fuck you!

(Minh fires his gun as everybody starts shooting at RoboCop. Bullets start bouncing off of his armor as RoboCop starts walking and shooting at every single armed thug while the Epicness Meter starts rising while the RoboCop theme music builds to a big payoff. RoboCop shoots Minh, causing him to hit Joe in the face and send him falling into boxes.

"Sean, the Epicness Meter is off the charts." Brian said as Sean notices how high it is.

"It's over 9,000!" Sean yells out, breaking his own glasses. "Oh, crap!"

Sean: (Narration) And now, it's Clarence's turn. It's time for RoboCop to arrest him before Clarence starts acting like a whiny little bitch when he makes a confession by blurting out Dick Jones' name while RoboCop records the whole thing. Boy, for a violent criminal in Old Detroit, he sure has a big mouth.

Clarence Boddicker: I work for Dick Jones. Dick Jones! He's the number two guy at OCP. OCP run the cops!

(RoboCop tries to strangle Clarence)

Clarence Boddicker: You're a cop. Cop!

Sean: (Narration) But Robo's program intervenes and prevents him from killing Clarence in cold blood)

RoboCop: Yes, I am a cop.

(The next scene cuts to RoboCop bringing Clarence in)

RoboCop: Book him.

Sgt. Reed: What's the charge?

RoboCop: He's a cop killer.

Clarence Boddicker: (After spitting blood on the front desk) Just give me my fucking phone call.

"You better wipe that blood off of my desk or I'll do some serious police brutality on you. And that involves breaking my foot off in your ass!" Sean yelled before cutting back to the film.

Sean: (Narration) Anyway, time to get the big boss.

Dick Jones: (After RoboCop enters his office) Come in, officer. You know, I usually don't see anyone with an appointment, but your case I'll make an exception.

RoboCop: You are under arrest.

Dick Jones: Oh? On what charge?

RoboCop: Aiding and abetting a known felon.

Dick Jones: You better take me in.

(A clip from Return of the Jedi plays)

Admiral Akbar: It's a trap!

(Cutting back to where RoboCop's prime directive prevents him from arresting Jones and is trying to fight it)

Sean: (Narration) Which brings us back to Directive 4. Yep, the man inside the machine is classed as a product.

Dick Jones: You're our product, and we can't very well have our products turning against us, can we?

(RoboCop draws his gun, but drops it)

Dick Jones: Maybe you'd like to meet a friend of mine.

Sean: (Narration) And now completely expendable. Say hello to ED-209 again.

(ED-209 marches into the room)

Dick Jones: I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake. Now it's time to erase that mistake.

Sean stays silent for a moment. "Okay, you didn't think that I was going to talk about this? Doesn't he know that he can record every word he says. He just revealed to RoboCop that he murdered Bob Morton. My friend, you are an ass that is dumb. You're…you're…." Sean says until a light shines on him with a heavenly choir playing in the background. "A dumbass!"

Sean: (Narration) Anyway, let's watch some Battle Bots, where Robo is about to go toe to toe with ED-20-(Sees ED-209 shoot RoboCop with it's heavy cannons) Jesus!

(The clip show RoboCop getting attacked by ED-209, then he destroys one of the deadly cyborg's heavy cannon, then tries to get away while the cyborg is shooting at him)

Sean: (Narration) And finally enough, a set of stairs is what stops ED-209.

Sean: (V/O as ED-209) Uh, okay. I've seen people do this. Alright, this is baby steps. Baby steps.

(ED-209 takes the first step)

Sean: (V/O as ED-209) Ah, easy. Now I'm gonna come down and…. (ED-209 falls down the stairs) OH, SHIT!

(ED-209 squeals and flails it's legs)

"Okay, did the programmer put "Throw a temper tantrum like a toddler" in the subtext?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narration) Then from out of nowhere, the police S.W.A.T. team led by Lt. Hedgecock, played by Michael Gregory, arrive to try to kill RoboCop.

Kaplan: Hey, wait a second!

Manson: He's a cop, for God's sake!

Ramirez: Hedgecock, you can't do that!

Lt. Hedgecock (Played by Michael Gregory) We have orders to destroy it!

Manson: Oh, shit!

Kaplan: You're maniacs!

"See, this is why I don't like you on the animated series, Hedgecock. Because you're an asshole!" Sean yelled.

Sean: (Narration) So, the cops start shooting at RoboCop while he tries to make his escape. He makes two kamikaze dives and it's Officer Lewis to the rescue.

Lewis: Murphy, it's me. Lewis.

Sean: (Narration) Yeah, psychic cop.

"I wonder what's on Media Break right now." Sean said as he picks up the remote from off of his desk and changes the channel to watch Media Break.

Jess Perkins: Good evening, I'm Jess Perkins with Casey Wong. Top story: Santa Barbara. 10, 000 acres of wooded residential land were scorched in an instant when a laser cannon aboard the Strategic Defense Peace Platform misfired today during routine strtup tests. Casey?

Casey Wong: Yes, it was a day of mourning for the families of 113 known dead at this hour. Among them: two former United States presidents who had retired in the Santa Barbara area. A day of mourning for a country.

"Jeez. Were those two former presidents Donald Trump and George W. Bush?" Sean asked before cutting back to the news break.

Jess Perkins: Police union representatives and OCP continued negotiations today in hopes of averting a citywide strike by police scheduled to begin tomorrow at midnight. Justin Ballard-Watkins has more.

Justin Ballard-Watkins (Played by Bill Farmer): They're still on duty. But what about tomorrow? That's the question we put to people in the crime-plagued Lexington area.

(A clip from A Goofy Movie plays)

Goofy: Look, Max.

Max: Uh, d-d-dad…IT'S BIGFOOT!

Goofy: Could you back up a bit, Mr. Foot? You're out of focus.

"Yep. That's the same guy who played the voice of Goofy on Goof Troop and A Goofy Movie and Kingdom Hearts." Sean said, mentioning Bill Farmer.

Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile back at OCP, Clarence goes to see Dickhead Jones and the deal is struck.

Dick Jones: He's a cyborg, you idiot! He recorded every word you said. His memory's admissible as evidence! You're gonna have to kill it.

Clarence Boddicker: Your company built the fucking thing! Now I gotta deal with it?

(A clip from That 70's Show starts playing)

Red Foreman: The reason that bad things happen to you, is because you're a dumbass.

Clarence Boddicker: I don't have time for this bullshit!

(Clarence starts heading out the doors but Dick recaptures his interests)

Dick Jones: But Delta City begins construction in two months. That's two million workers living in trailers. That means drugs, gambling, prostitution – virgin territory for the man who know how to open up new markets.

Clarence Boddicker: Well, I guess we're gonna be friends after all… Richard.

Dick Jones: (Tosses RoboCop's tracking device to Clarence): Destroy it.

Clarence Boddicker: Gonna need some major firepower. You got access to military weaponry?

Dick Jones: We practically are the military.

"Corporate politics in the 80s. It's so much fun!" Sean smiles with two thumbs up.

Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, Murphy and Lewis are hiding out at the abandoned steel mill, wait… why are you hiding out there when you know Clarence and his cronies were holed up there at one point? That's the first place that they'll go while they're hunting you down. Anyway, Lewis brings Murphy some supplies and she mentions the strike that was talked about earlier and it is in full force. And for the first time since the operation, Murphy removes his helmet and sees his own face.

RoboCop: You may not like what you're going to see.

(RoboCop takes off his helmet as Lewis picks up a piece of steel for Murphy to see his reflection)

Lewis: It's really good to see you again, Murphy.

RoboCop: Murphy had a wife and son, what happened to them?

Lewis: Well after the funeral, she moved away.

RoboCop: Where did they go?

Lewis: She thought you were dead. She started over again.

Sean scoffs. "The lucky ones who actually had a family to remember them.

RoboCop: I can feel them but I can't remember them.

"Yikes." Sean said. "Onto the next scene."

Bixby Snyder: I'd buy that for a dollar.

Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, chaos ensues on the streets of Detroit. Wow, Detroit never takes a day off from being Detroit, huh? It's Detroit every day. And Clarence introduces his gang who just got of jail to some new firepower.

Joe Cox (Played by Jesse D. Goins): (Seeing Clarence take out a Cobra Assault cannon) Whoa! A new toy! Can I play?

Clarence Boddicker: (Aims the assault cannon at Joe's 6000 SUX) Huh? Watch this….

Joe Cox: Wait…wait a minute, Clarence! Clarence!

Sean: (V/O) Oh, no! Wait my CDs!

(Clarence fires as the car explodes into flames)

Clarence Boddicker: Cobra Assault Cannon – state of the art- bang bang!

"Dude, that's a Barrett Light Fifty with explosive rounds. That… is…. awesome!" Sean exclaimed with a big smile on his face.

Sean: (Narration) Back at the mill, Murphy decides to do some DIY aiming.

(Murphy fires his gun as Lewis wakes up)

Lewis: What are you doing?

RoboCop: (Fires his gun again) My targeting system is a little messed up. Aim for me.

(Lewis helps Murphy aim as he fires his gun and shoots at the jars of baby food)

Lewis: I figure that's dead-on.

RoboCop: Thank you.

Sean: (Narration) And speak of the devil, Clarence and his cronies arrive and….

Joe: (Shouts) The wrecking crew is here! Where is that metallic mother….

Clarence Boddicker: Give that up, man!

Sean: (V/O) Subtlety thrown out the window. And these clowns prove themselves to be extremely bad shots.

(RoboCop throws something as a distraction, as Clarence, Joe and Leon start firing)

Clarence Boddicker: Damn it! Shit!

"Uh, what was it that Emil said again?" Sean asked before cutting back to the scene where Emil robs a gas station.

Emil: I'm a good shot. I can hit you in the eye from here.

"Bullshit!" Sean points.

RoboCop: Looking for me?

(Clarence, Leon and Joe turn to see RoboCop. RoboCop fires his gun at Joe, shooting him three times and killing him. We then cut to Emil, who's in the van about to run Robo over)

Emil: Okay! Now I've got ya!

Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Emil knew, he fucked up.

(RoboCop fires his Auto-9 at the van. Emil ducks as RoboCop dodges the van)

Sean: (Narration) Emily tries to ram RoboCop with his van, but instead hits a vat of toxic waste and he comes out looking like…..

(Emil comes out of the van, with horrific results and starts howling like a wolf)

"Ahhhhh! It's the Toxic Walking Dead!" Sean screams and hides under his desk.

Sean: (Narration) We then cut to Lewis going after Boddicker, and we cut to….

Leon (Played by Ray Wise): (Screams after seeing Emil)

Emil: (Dying after taking an acid bath) Help meeeee….

Leon: Don't touch me, man!

(The next scene cuts to a dying Emil, who's in the way of Lewis and Clarence. Clarence sees Emil and runs into him with his car, turning Emil into a liquid mess)

Clarence: Shit!

Sean: (Narration) After hitting Emil with his car, Clarence goes off the edge of a cliff but survives to shoot Lewis, and he's about to kill her when Robo shows up)

Clarence Boddicker: (About to kill Lewis) Bye-bye, baby!

RoboCop: Clarence!

(The theme to Mighty Mouse plays. "Here I come to save the day!")

Clarence Boddicker: (Throws his gun) Okay, I give up.

RoboCop: I'm not arresting you any more.

Sean looks up, cutting to Leon getting ready to drop a load of steel and debris on RoboCop while RoboCop is about to shoot him. "Uh, Robo. Uh, dude. Look up. Screw, Boddicker. Look up. You stupid idiot, look up!" Sean yelled.

(Leon drops a load of steel and debris on RoboCop)

Leon: Die, you bastard. I got him, Clarence! I got him!

(Lewis fires the Cobra Assault Cannon at Leon and blows him up)

Sean: (Narration) After seeing his buddy getting blown away, Clarence decides to finish the job on RoboCop and tries to kill him by stabbing him in the chest.

(RoboCop yells after Clarence stabs him in the chest with a metal rod)

Clarence Boddicker: Sayonara, RoboCop!

"Hey, Clarence! Sayonara, dumbass!" Sean yelled, putting up the middle finger before cutting back to RoboCop stabbing Clarence in the throat with his data spike, instantly killing him.

RoboCop: Lewis!

Lewis: Murphy, I'm a mess.

RoboCop: They'll fix you. They fix everything.

Sean: (Narration) And now, it's time for some unfinished business. RoboCop returns to OCP Headquarters, where Dickhead Jones is still bragging about how good the ED-209 unit is.

Dick Jones: I've got one downstairs guarding the building.

(The scene cuts to ED-209, who's guarding the building and sees RoboCop driving up to the OCP entrance)

ED-209: You are illegally parked on private property. You have twenty seconds to move your vehicle.

(Cutaway gag)

"Oh, no. ED-209 is about to kill me with it's big guns. What ever should I do?" Sean asked as he hears someone knocking on the door. He gets up from out of his chair and leaves his office, making his way to the front door and opening it up, only to see a UPS delivery man and a big box.

"I have a delivery for the Mayhem Critic." The delivery man said.

"That's me." Sean said as the delivery man hands him a clipboard and a pen for him to sign before he hands him the package.

Sean grabs the package and heads back into his office, setting it down on his desk and grabbed a box cutter to open it up, only to find a Cobra Assault Cannon.

"Ooh, this looks promising." Sean picks up the weapon and aims it at the robot, shooting at it two times as we cut to a clip of ED-209 exploding. "Ah, the Cobra Assault Cannon. Never leave home without it." Sean said as he kisses the gun.

Sean: (Narrating) Then RoboCop storms the boardroom to arrest Dick Jones.

The Old Man: How can we help you, officer?

RoboCop: Dick Jones is wanted for murder.

Dick Jones: This is absurd! That thing… is a violent mechanical psychopath!

The Old Man: These are serious charges. What is your evidence?

(RoboCop inserts his data spike into the wall socket, a video starts to play)

Sean: (Narration) RoboCop plays Dick Jones confession about killing Morton. And thinking fast, Dick pulls a gun out on The Old Man.

Dick Jones: Anybody tries to stop me… the old geezer gets it.

The Old Man: Dick….

(A clip from The Apprentice plays)

Donald Trump (Hits desk) You're fired.

(The Old Man jabs Dick Jones from behind his elbow, RoboCop starts shooting at Jones, Jones falls through a glass window to the ground and dies)

The Old Man: Nice shooting son, what's your name?

RoboCop: (Turns and smiles) Murphy.

(The RoboCop theme plays as the end credits roll)

"And that was RoboCop. So how does it hold up after thirty years? I would have to say it's an awesome classic." Sean said as clips from the movie play. "This movie has that Day After Tomorrow-feel. It's a good science fiction film. It's dark, gritty and ultraviolent. It is so violent that it earned the X rating. This is one my and everybody's favorite action film. Sadly, Peter Weller didn't become a big action star like Schwarzenegger and Stallone. RoboCop is so good, that it won an Academy Award for best sound editing for Stephen Hunter Flick and John Pospisil, they did a hell of a job on that movie. Cited as one of the best films of 1987, the film spawned a franchise that included merchandise like action figures, RoboCop lunchboxes, two sequels, two animated TV series, video games, a television series and a TV miniseries and a number of comic book adaptations and crossovers. If you haven't seen this movie, give it watch. My final rating for this film, I'm giving it 5 Auto-9s out of 5. You'll truly be proud of this film. I'm the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time.

Mayhem Critic Tagline – Sayonara, RoboCop!


End file.
